Minerva McGonagall: The Story of an Untamed Cat
by Calixus N. Do
Summary: We follow the life and times of Minerva McGonagall and focus on all her thoughts and problems.
1. Chapter 1

_Directly one floor above the Hogwarts kitchens lies Minerva McGonagall's bed room. A square room containing very meager furnishings. An Ultramatic Adjustable Bed, a small dining table with 4 chairs, a wardrobe and a pole for late night dancing. It's OWL time at Hogwarts, during Harry Potter's fifth year. _

Minerva McGonagall awoke to a pleasant surprise. In her room sat none other than Albus Dumbledore. She smiled at him, while pulling her long thin body out of bed. Dumbledore smiled back, revealing a not-so-complete set of teeth.

"Looks like ya forgot your damn dentures again," said Minerva, while pulling on her favourite robe. It had moving pictures of different slowly dying from being shot in the leg. It was, of course, her favorite.

"Oh, shut the hell up you whore bag!" Dumbledore responded, while conjuring up a pot and two tea glasses.

"No tea for me please," said Minerva, as she transfigured her tea cup into a pair of dentures for Dumbledore. "So tell me Albus, why are you here?"

"Oh," said Albus, lowering his half moon glasses. "You owe me a lot of money after all those favors I did for the Potter boy."

"But I can repay you, I just need a bit more time!"

"Prostituting the Hogwarts Prefects isn't going to make you enough money to pay back all the galleons you owe Minerva, and you know that!"

"Even so, there's still-"

"No, Hagrid says he's done with you. He says your service has become boring, expensive and rather prickly; whatever that means. Minerva, I want my money."

"But Dumbledore! This is so unfair; I just need more time!"

"Life's unfair, sweet cheeks." With that, Dumbledore brandished his wand, aimed it at McGonagall's forehead and yelled _'Timus Upus'. _A yellow stream of light flew out of the wand and hit McGonagall straight in the forhead, leaving a bloody number 7 upon it. Then Albus turned his wand on his throat and said _'Voicus Gollumus'._

" Seven days..." said Dumbledore. Then, with a loud bang, he apparated.

The room was silent. Minerva McGonagall knew what happened to people who didn't pay their debts to Dumbledore. She knew that her pole dancing couldn't get her out of this one. She had seven days to repay 600, 000 galleons. There was only one person with enough money to get her out of this sticky situation. He also happened to be her best customer. That man was Argus Filch. TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

Minerva wandered down the corridor, stumbling drunkenly, with a bottle of Sherry in hand that she had borrowed from Professor Trelawny. "Bitch! I want more Sherry!" she said as she whipped the bottle at the portrait of the fat lady.

"Oh you whore!!! If I wasn't stuck in this painting I would come down there and give you an ass whoppin'!"

Minerva wrenched open her robe and flashed the Fat Lady, making her curl back in horror.

"You sick woman, why are you allowing that small furry animal to suckle from you?" exclaimed the Fat Lady.

McGonagall continued to stroll down the hallway, wearing nothing but a frilly negligee.

"Argus you sexy beast, where are you?" She opened the door to his office and found Argus chained to the table, only wearing the sorting hat, Snape was standing over top of him in a maid uniform, bull whip in hand.

"Oh there you are Argus. I'm in a bit of a pickle, I seem to have misplaced my virginity."

"Oh Minerave, you kidder, if I had a galleon every time you lost your virginity to some goblin, I'd be a rich man…but then again I already am. I have a feeling you've crawled here on your underbelly to ask me for some of my money. But, like I told you last time, FUCK OFF!!"

"Argikins, I'm sure you don't mean that. Remember how I repaid you last time? wink wink I could do that again."

"Sorry baby, but I don't think you can satisfy me anymore. Once you go Snape, you never go back."

"Damn straight," said Snape, "Now Argus, where did you put that hot wax?"

"It's in the cupboard Sexerus, right beside the handcuffs," replied Filch.

"Oh Argus, I love your Filchy mind, ahaha…" Snape said, reaching for the bottle.

"Getting back to my life or death situation," began Minerva, "I only have 7 days to repay Dumbledore in full, after all those favours he did me and that Potter boy."

"Minerva, I won't say it again, get out of my love dungeon!"

"Yes Minerva, I really should get a start on mixing up that… "size potion" for Argus, time's a tickin'" said Snape.

"Oh fine, I guess I will just have to please myself," Minerva said desolately. "May I borrow some hot fudge?"

TBC


End file.
